"If only my boyfriend had your personality"

I hear that way to much.  WTF does that mean anyways?

Its kinda like saying you would date me if I looked like your bf...
That what it comes down to, looks... attaration. 
I am ugly.

Then these girls also go on to tell me that I could do better then girls I do date.
IF I could do better then girls I date, I would be.....
I date the girls I date because they make me feel better.  A lot of them are cheating sluts who end up hurtin me over and over again.... but wtf can I do about that?
The good girls are stuck with these asshole guys.  The girls that say "If only my boyfriend had your personality".

Like fucking hell....

I look at my ringing  phone.
I see "Dave" (the guy nicole wanted to be with who is my friend)
I pick it up expecting dave to be calling me because of something with nicole, cause really why eles would he call.
I pick up the phone to crying, Nicole is crying on the phone asking me to come collect her form mike and dave's house.
I get dressed and head over.  As I get there, I am confronted by mike. He tells me I should leave.  I ask why.
He explains that the police may get into this soon.
I state taht I am not leaveing and to explain.
Basicly, nicole has been pissing everyone off and lieing to everyone.
She was supposed to go home last night after work. but didnt.
She didnt want to go home and her brother has said to just call the police if things get that bad with her.(her brother is a cop).
Nicole fights with us and is very quite the whole time.  Soon, we call her brother and his gf.  As we do, Nicole finally breaks down and wants to  see her bothers gf.  After a hour they arrive and take her away.  I was in the cold for 2 hours with her.
I was cold... very cold.  I couldnt feel my hand for about an hour. 
Nicole was very upset and telling me she loves me all last night
She called to day and said she wanted to be with me.
I cant be with her right now.  Not after the way she has treated me.
I will be friends with her and nothing more.  I just need my time to heal and to give her time to grown up a bit more.

Yesterday I talked to nicole in person for a bit.   After that, we parted way.  I needed to talk to her and i got in contact with her.  She told me that she will be dating a friend of my dave.   A friend of mine....

Why does this always happen.  This same thing has happend with ALL of the girls I really cared for.   They turn around and start dating someone I though was a friend... everytime....

Aleast I know Nicole and I are done. Period.  It hurts so bad.... I don't want to be alone.  It just really sucks.  I like being with someone, having someone to turn to, to talk on the phone with till you fall asleep, just someone who will be there....

It's friday... Fridays used to be spent with her.  I know Nicole and I werent dating but still.  We would spend each friday hanging out together and sometimes with friends.  It would be our day of playfulness and ravaging each other....
Today just feel so.... diffrent without it.  Iuuno.  I know things are the way they are for the best.... but ... who knows. 

Maybe I will find someone I love more then her... hard to imaganine right now... but maybe.  

My friend Mike and I are planning a trip to QXT's (goth club).  We told our my best friend becca.  Her response to it.  "I'm coming with you guys to keep the dirty whores away."  Mikes and I came up with some to add to that  we told her she could keep the dirty whores away, as long as she let us have the clean ones ^.^  She laughed and agreed.

I will keep trying my hardest to write everyday.

I feel so lost.  I think Nicole and I are over. 
I ask her back out yesterday, she said her mom was the reason we couldnt date.
She stil wont date me
She says she has feeling for another guy who younger then her.
I saw two hickies on her neck and asked her about it
She wouldnt talk to me after that.
I'm drained from her...

Just so drainned
There is a girl I keep thinking about, i cant get her out of my mind. she is my friend, but I know we could never be.....

So, Nicole is stayed with max last night.  I dont know where she is staying tonight.
I trust her enough with max. 
I know that Joe and Dave where there for a long time after I left, but I trust her.

I want her to be mine again
Right now, we are friends, but we are not seeing other people.
Its weird I know

As soon as she get more settle I hope things get better.

In the summer, nicole and I may get an appt together.
That would be nice... yeah.

I have deleted my myspace.  Long story.  So, I come back here.

Well, I just need to sort my thoughts.

Nicole and I have been hooking up
Nicole slept with a guy named steven when she went to mexico
Steven lives in Washington
Nicole and I then started to be together in every way
Nicole is going to Washingtion for a month to visit Steven for his friend's wedding
We fight about it
Nicole and I can't date because of her mother
We still are sexual with each other and affection like we are dating
Nicole is not going to Washington REASON Steven does NOT have feelings for her
I mess around with a girl on x-mas when I am drunk.  This girl and I do not touch lips, nor will we see each other again
Nicole and I make love on new years eve
Nicole makes out with another later that day
I dont know what to do
Nicole lies to me about something
I love her
I dont want to be with her
She really means a lot to me
I think that if she can offer me a real realationship with a future we should be over.

I have two crushes
Both are underage
Both are my friends
Of them I fear is not ready for a relationship like I would have to offer her
The other.... I dont think there is a stable future with her.

*sigh*

I have feelings for a close friend of mine, I had feelings for her in high school

I dont want to be alone
I need to end things with nicole if she doesnt change what we are.

God damn it. I posted a really long entry then it didnt work! Anyways, yesterday Sara and celebrated our one month. I was upstair working, Sara called to tell me she has arrived at school. I walk outside to find her. Once I found her we hug and I said I need to get something from my car. We walked over to my car, as I open the trunk, Sara asked what I needed to get. "Something.... for you." I said as I quickly pulled out the rose and hand it to her. It was a single red rose from 1-800-flowers. She was so happy. Seeing my girlfriend this happy made me happy too. The rest of the day was so great, I love her so much. I really do. Sara was a great sport and we saw star wars last night. She really makes me so happy. We cuddle though out the movie.

I'm in love... I though I was over her but I guess I'm not. I guess I never stopped loving her, since the first day I saw her. My thoughts when I saw her still ring clearly. "Whoa! There is a girl who is like that in my school, and I am dating Nicole why?" Asshole... Yeah I know that what you can think from me thinking such a though. It seems that she is just one of those people that will always be able to capture you soul. Last night was intresting. Her bf, who I refer to as the "child" because his behavior patterns are not that of an 17 year old but rather a 7 year old, so, the child and her fought. I took her home, we hung out and talk.... I fought A.D.D. with the hamster that were everso distracting. She called the child, as was expected, he acted like a child. Circles are ever so circle, round and round her words went as the child could not understand, or chose not too. She looked so sad, in pictures i have only her lips shimmer red. A sin city effect. She is so beautiful, stunning actually. Very few girls catch my mind in such a way that they can overpower my power of reasoning. She did. The strong yearning to kiss her, I some how manged. To end this... duel quotes(the first shall be slightly changed in word and meaning):

"I will love her always , and [most likely] never" -- Sin City

"Maybe in another life time I can be the first you meet" -- In Flames (Evil in the closet)

Loving Hope is the name of the allpoetry.com contest I entered. Here is my entry:

Preferct Kiss

Faint scent of her perfume filled the air
Gentle glow of pale moonbeams, enlighten the room
Tainted by the passion of love, your move I dare
Fingers flow over smooth cherry lips that are my doom

Velvet soft,light touch of lip
Beat hearts in flight
In our loft, our minds dip
Taste of poison darts, her kiss of light

She moves like smooth as ice
Eyes shimmer with timeless stares
Fingers lace in grooves, how nice
Lights grow dimmer, bodies press in cool air
More then a friend
Lovers till the end